Thinking Of The End
Many lives have ended on a noose, in slits and others, by pills. Each story begins and ends somewhere. You may not easily imagine contemplating suicide. But it happens.
Before it does, you are part of a world, a society. Things fade over time. God forbid, but one day… you find yourself in the lowest point of life, alone, red-eyed and dry from tears, throat sore, cheeks hot and a blade in your hands… your wrists bare and waiting. But do not do it.
You may not have imagined that the stupid fight with your cheating boyfriend could be it, or that your failure to make it into a public college would push you to the edge. You may not have foreseen that fight with your parents, which was the last nail in your coffin of endurance.
Our minds are complex and yet, fragile, they fall apart easily—a simple provocation is all it takes, really.
“Be strong!”—No, you are; believe. Believe.
If you have been told to be strong, then I can understand how it must have felt. Strength is not something to be done or sought, it is something to unlock within. I hope you hear more of, “You are strong… believe in yourself…”
Once, someone reminded me about all that I had survived and that I yet lived. It was a simple statement but I found it powerful. I had been strong all along! My focus was just elsewhere—on my weaknesses and inadequacies.
What’s the plan?
Well, do you feel low some nights? Most nights? It happens, even with someone beside you in bed, or in a group of confidants. You will watch your ties with the “real world” cleave and feel that you do not belong, that you are odd and not part of them.
Sometimes, you will feel that nobody can understand you, or fear that they may judge you—they always will judge, even when they do not seem to, even when they wish you good… some darkness companions us like a shadow.
Giving up will shift from feeling illogical to being the reasonable choice, and you will contemplate on it. You may fear the idea for a while, but with time, you will grow fed up with life.
You may look back and notice you have spent a better part of your life in sorrow and fighting troubles. Death would silence everything. No more suffering, no more pain. But no… do not do it.
You have the courage now. The family you had is gone, like your old friends, your job. Life does not cease to test by the day, despite it all. You feel ready. And are about to do it but please… do not.
Yo, you are art!
You may be feeling broken, like there is nothing to live for. Who said you needed anything but you? You are enough!
You may be feeling worthless, because someone did something to you, or thinks that you are. But it is only you who can define your worth. Let go, heal and look within—I swear, you are a work of art!
Why? Why should you take your life? Your troubles did not, so, why are you are killing you?
Do not ever think of it. Anything out of your control is no “better” way to leave life but why don’t you let nature do its thing? Let go of stress. Put you in your life first and let go, let go…
Life is meant to be lived—your lowest moments perhaps show you the perspectives you had not exhausted. Learn from them. Grow from them.
See you tomorrow!
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Benson Langat is a poet, fiction writer, and freelancer. A dreamer, he realizes a world of possibilities through stories and explores life in poetry. Benie is a dad and lives in Nairobi, Kenya.